Mind your language

by vpundir | August 1st, 2005

While cleaning up the officespace today, I found this interesting old notice, that “celebrates” the use of expletives in day-to-day conversations in Scotland.

Staff Notice
Notification to all staff regarding language

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realize, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas/ information can continue in an effective manner without risking offense to our sensitive co-workers.

Old phrase New phrase
1 No f**king way I’m fairly sure that is not feasible
2 You’re f**king joking Really
3 Tell someone who gives a f**k Have you run that by…
4 No c**t told me I was not involved in that project
5 I don’t have the f**king time Perhaps I can work late
6 Who f**king cares Are you sure that is a problem
7 Eat s**t and die You don’t say
8 Eat s**t and die motherf**ker You don’t say, sir
9 Kiss my a**e So would you like me to help you
10 He’s a f**king prick He is somewhat sensitive
11 She’s a ball-busting b**ch She is an aggressive go-getter
12 You have not got a f**king clue You could benefit from more training
13 This place is f**ked You are a little disorganized today
14 What sort of f**k wit are you You are new here,aren’t you
15 F**k off, s**t head Well, there you go
16 You are a f**king wanker You are my team leader and I respect you
17 Ha! Suck eggs I wasn’t here that day
18 You are f**king paranoid So, you are from Glasgow
19 You are f**king useless So, you are from Edinburgh
20 f**k off I’ll look into that and get back to you

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