by vpundir | August 1st, 2005
While cleaning up the officespace today, I found this interesting old notice, that “celebrates” the use of expletives in day-to-day conversations in Scotland.
Staff Notice
Notification to all staff regarding language
It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do realize, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas/ information can continue in an effective manner without risking offense to our sensitive co-workers.
| Old phrase | New phrase | |
| 1 | No f**king way | I’m fairly sure that is not feasible |
| 2 | You’re f**king joking | Really |
| 3 | Tell someone who gives a f**k | Have you run that by… |
| 4 | No c**t told me | I was not involved in that project |
| 5 | I don’t have the f**king time | Perhaps I can work late |
| 6 | Who f**king cares | Are you sure that is a problem |
| 7 | Eat s**t and die | You don’t say |
| 8 | Eat s**t and die motherf**ker | You don’t say, sir |
| 9 | Kiss my a**e | So would you like me to help you |
| 10 | He’s a f**king prick | He is somewhat sensitive |
| 11 | She’s a ball-busting b**ch | She is an aggressive go-getter |
| 12 | You have not got a f**king clue | You could benefit from more training |
| 13 | This place is f**ked | You are a little disorganized today |
| 14 | What sort of f**k wit are you | You are new here,aren’t you |
| 15 | F**k off, s**t head | Well, there you go |
| 16 | You are a f**king wanker | You are my team leader and I respect you |
| 17 | Ha! Suck eggs | I wasn’t here that day |
| 18 | You are f**king paranoid | So, you are from Glasgow |
| 19 | You are f**king useless | So, you are from Edinburgh |
| 20 | f**k off | I’ll look into that and get back to you |