Mind your language

by vpundir | August 1st, 2005

While cleaning up the officespace today, I found this interesting old notice, that “celebrates” the use of expletives in day-to-day conversations in Scotland.

Staff Notice
Notification to all staff regarding language

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realize, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas/ information can continue in an effective manner without risking offense to our sensitive co-workers.

Old phrase New phrase
1No f**king wayI’m fairly sure that is not feasible
2You’re f**king jokingReally
3Tell someone who gives a f**kHave you run that by…
4No c**t told meI was not involved in that project
5I don’t have the f**king timePerhaps I can work late
6Who f**king caresAre you sure that is a problem
7Eat s**t and dieYou don’t say
8Eat s**t and die motherf**kerYou don’t say, sir
9Kiss my a**eSo would you like me to help you
10He’s a f**king prickHe is somewhat sensitive
11She’s a ball-busting b**chShe is an aggressive go-getter
12You have not got a f**king clueYou could benefit from more training
13This place is f**kedYou are a little disorganized today
14What sort of f**k wit are youYou are new here,aren’t you
15F**k off, s**t headWell, there you go
16You are a f**king wankerYou are my team leader and I respect you
17Ha! Suck eggsI wasn’t here that day
18You are f**king paranoidSo, you are from Glasgow
19You are f**king uselessSo, you are from Edinburgh
20f**k offI’ll look into that and get back to you

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